What is expected of me?

It’s been a long time since I posted in my blog. I made this blog to share all the things that I enjoy obsessing over. I then became very busy with my craft shows in the winter season after which I was totally burnt out and wanted to do nothing. I completely lost track of writing in my blog.

2016 started with a lot of anxiety of what is to happen next. What am I doing with my life? I will turn 34 this year. What do I want from life? Is it too late to change tracks? What is happening? This anxiety about ‘life’ and it’s uncertainty has been something that troubles me on and off. I have had long talks with friends and family about these thoughts and they only temporarily relieve my worries.

The reason mostly for these thoughts is because I have been brain washed to believe I need to walk on a certain path. Education, Work, Marriage, Children… and so on. Because that is what everyone around me did while I was growing up!  Out of this checklist I have only accomplished the ‘Education’. Work is something I did on and off but without long term success. When I say work I mean employed with a handsome salary. That is what it means on the checklist. Marriage had not happened yet because well I have not met the right person. And yes children can happen before marriage but not according to this particular checklist!

Whenever I visited home, India, I would be bombarded with why have I not gotten a job? Am I looking for a husband? Having kids is the most satisfying thing in life, I needed to get on it!  Oh the pressure you feel when you are asked all these life questions! My answer to everything was – I do not know followed with depression, anxiety and well bad case of acid reflux, the kind that makes you think you are slowly dying. It’s like seriously people have you heard of the recession? Things are different now.

In California, I have a diverse group of friends from different cultures who always tell me that I don’t need to rush to do all these things, It will all fall into place, I don’t need to do things a certain way. I still got asked the same questions as I had from family/friends in India by friends I was not as close to, who did not know my thoughts, worries, my situation etc.

This vicious cycle was not really going away. So, when nothing works, its time to change perspective on things. I always heard about the glass half empty half full analogy. Who hasn’t? We all know a lot of things. But it is when we realize them is when it actually registers in your brain. My glass had been half empty all along. I started asking different questions than I had before.

Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 12.54.07 PM

image from getty images

Q: Why do I need to be employed by someone to have a higher self worth? Why was it not enough that I was self-employed? Is employment some sort of measure of success?
A: I needed to appreciate more what I was actually doing. How many people can say they started a business from scratch and handled all the aspects of that business starting from conceptualizing, production, graphic design, marketing, actual selling, maintaining an online selling platform etc. I am doing all that as if it wasn’t a big deal.
It is a big deal.
I give myself five starts for that! Pat on the back! I am not a failure, I am a success.
I am also studying how to be a web developer. I want to design and build websites. I will go ahead and pat my back again. It is time I stopped undermining everything I do.

Q: Why do I need to be married to someone? Does that really solve life’s problems? Is life some sort of competition who gets married sooner? How many kids I have?
A: I will be lucky if I meet the right person, get married and have children. If not it’s alright. Why does that have to be a goal in life? Just because I was expected to does not mean I have to. What is the point to marry someone for the sake of it? Am I of more worth if I am divorced? I do want a family of my own someday but if I can not I will not think that I failed. I will simply think it was not meant to be. All I know is that I have lived. I have loved. I have learned. It may as well just be enough. If I don’t end up having one I will play with all these little ones my friends have been popping out. They are my family anyhow.

Q: What is happiness? What is success?
A: This was a tough one to think outside the box. I am still reading books on buddhist thoughts which are helping me immensely. Being inspired by the words of people like Jay Shetty, Steve Jobs, Dalai Lama etc. I am also reminded of what are the things that make me happy from this blog, my instagram and life in general. I cloud myself with judgement towards myself due to expectations others have of me. Things are not supposed to be a certain way, they are what they are.

It is time to love myself. It is time to celebrate who I am. I am a designer, a cook, a gardener, a photographer, a sister, a daughter, a friend. And heck, I am a pretty good one at that! ;)

 

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